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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463387">Loud and Proud</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandean_cas/pseuds/sandean_cas'>sandean_cas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel Confesses Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel is Loved (Supernatural), Castiel is Not Oblivious (Supernatural), Castiel is a Winchester (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Says "I Love You", Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Destiel Week (Supernatural), Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Feels, Fix-It, Fluff, Headcanon, Hopeful Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, WHO'S THE CLOWN NOW, maybe this is how we get castiel back</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:00:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,791</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463387</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandean_cas/pseuds/sandean_cas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You made it LOUD!”</p><p>Castiel balks at the accusing voice as he pulls himself of the tar like substance and his deep slumber.</p><p>The Empty roars. “I’m cranky.” It sneers. “I can’t sleep. That does not bode well for you little angel.”</p><p>Jack damaged the Empty itself. It makes sense that the Shadow created this place to be t’s perfect habitat - a place where it could sleep without any disruptions.</p><p>"You could let me go.” He says boldly, the thought of returning, of seeing Dean again, emboldening him.</p><p>“Now why would I do that?”</p><p>“Because you want me to suffer.” he says.</p><p>“Yes…” It drawls. “And you will.”</p><p>“But I won’t.” He can’t stop the jubilant smile that forms on his face. “I won’t suffer because I’m happy.”</p><p>It scowls, Meg’s face twisting in confusion. “But you don’t have Dean.”</p><p>“And I never would have.” He states. “But I got the chance to tell him - what he means to me, that he’s worth something, everything. I got to tell him I love him. And he got to hear me… really hear me. So yes, I’m incredibly, undeniably happy.”</p><p>--<br/>How I want Castiel to come back... and also how I want Dean to react.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>403</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Loud and Proud</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>dun dun dun<br/>Here's another part of my manic writing spree after 15x18. Someone needs to stop me I swear - T.T</p><p>Also I've made a discord if anyone wants to rant: sandean_cas#5174</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Cass rests his hand on Dean’s shoulder, he feels like he’s having an out of body experience. The shoulder that was scarred with Cass gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. The shoulder that Cass always makes a point of touching, it’s always felt reassuring because Dean associates it with Cass saving him from the pit. And now he’s using the gesture again, to reassure Dean as he saves him from Death herself.</p><p>“I love you.” The words still Dean’s racing heart. All his fears and hopes are realised all at once in a way that renders him mute.</p><p>“Don’t do this Cass.” He begs, hating that these are the only words he can get out. Cass just poured his heart out to him and Dean can’t even form enough words to convince him <em> not </em> to die for Dean.</p><p>There’s still a chance with Billie, but this, this is something else entirely.</p><p>And the look of happiness on Cass’ face leaves Dean shell shocked. Never, never ever has Cass looked to at peace, so free. Like a burden has been lifted. Just saying it made him so happy that he fulfilled his deal.</p><p>
  <em> Because the one thing I want… It’s something I know I can’t have. </em>
</p><p>That ‘I love you’ is special. It’s in no way platonic… no way brotherly. And if that hadn’t convinced him, the look in Cass’ eyes certainly had.</p><p>The relief. The vulnerability. The <em> joy </em> at just being able to say it… having Dean hear it after these long years.</p><p>Everything Cass said, the deal he kept a secret for years, the way he cared solely because Dean did, it’s too much. Castiel is an angel. Pure. Perfect. How can he say those things about Dean, how can he look at him like this - love him - knowing what he’s done? How can Cass call him the most caring man in the world when just weeks ago he trampled all over him and drove him away from the bunker despite knowing how wrecked he was losing Jack.</p><p>The sweet words don’t seem to compute in Dean’s mind. He can’t think of any reason or possible way that they’re true. But Cass sounds convinced, absolutely certain that beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt, that those words ring true. And if Cass really believes that…</p><p>He doesn’t deserve to die today. Or any day. Not because Dean lashed out and backed them into yet another corner. Between the two of them, Cass is the only one who deserves to walk out of here alive. Yet, even as a tear rolls down his cheek, he smiles so brightly that Dean is stunned.</p><p>The black sludge appears behind them and Dean swallows, trying to force something to come out of his mouth - anything. Cass just gives him a knowing smile and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Good bye Dean.”</p><p>No!</p><p>He wants to scream it loud enough that the Empty is forced to flee, but his tongue lies dead like a fish in his mouth.</p><p>He thinks about those days without Cass… those torturous days. He can’t do that again.</p><p>If Cass’ is going, Dean will go too. So he embraces the stiffness in his limbs, letting it root him in place, a barrier between Cass and the Empty.</p><p>
  <em> I’ll go with you. </em>
</p><p>But suddenly he’s flying, bones rattling as his body hits the concrete, but even that he feels numb to. With one last lingering, <em> happy </em> look, Cass smiles at him before turning to face the Empty. Dean’s breath stutters as it swallows him. And just as quickly as it came, it disappears. Leaving no trace behind.</p><p>No trace of Cass. No trace of his confession. No trace that Dean had just lost everything and had done nothing to stop it.</p><p>But Cass isn’t gone. He can’t be. The empty room tells a different story. Without Cass it feels bereft… like Dean.</p><p>The phone is ringing. It’s Sam and he knows he should answer it, but his mind is thrumming with thoughts. Thoughts of Cass. Everything else is out of focus, secondary. Because Dean feels the crushing defeat seep in.</p><p>He lost.</p><p>No matter what happens next. No matter if they beat Chuck… it won’t matter. Because Dean lost. He <em> lost </em> Cass.</p><p>…</p><p>The sobs come every few seconds. He doesn’t bother trying to stop them. If he doesn’t sob he thinks he would explode. It had all been a mad rush, those last few moments, but the pain, he knows, will never abate.</p><p>Dean let this happen. He let Cass go… <em> again. </em> Without even saying-</p><p>He presses a hand over his mouth, burying his head further between his knees.</p><p>…</p><p>That’s how Sam finds him eventually, nearly catatonic on the floor, curled in on himself in misery.</p><p>“Dean?” he calls quietly.</p><p>“Where is Cass?” Jack’s voice is like a shard through Dean’s heart.</p><p>And once more, Dean is unable to do more than sit there mutely.</p><p>If he tells them what happened it makes it real. It would mean that Cass <em> gave his life </em>for Dean. That he’s gone forever. And Dean knows he will shatter when that finally kicks in.</p><p>...</p><p>“You made it LOUD!”</p><p>Castiel balks at the accusing voice as he pulls himself of the tar like substance and his deep slumber.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You… Jack... he made everything so <em> loud. </em>”</p><p>Castiel slowly gains his bearings, realising that he’s in the Empty… that his deal had been fulfilled.</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“Oh.” The Empty is sarcastic. “Maybe when he went off like a bomb and thinned the layers of dampening from the outside world?!”</p><p>Castiel remains silent in contemplation.</p><p>The Empty roars. “Think Castiel. I’m cranky.” It sneers. “I can’t sleep. That does not bode well for you little angel.”</p><p>Jack damaged the Empty itself. It makes sense that the Shadow created this place to be t’s perfect habitat - a place where it could sleep without any disruptions.</p><p>“Oh, you - I’m going to enjoy making you scream.” It purrs, stalking closer predatorily. “I could definitely be lulled to sleep by such a sweet sound.”</p><p>“Or you could let me go.” He says boldly, the thought of returning, of seeing Dean again, emboldening him.</p><p>“Now why would I do that.”</p><p>“Because you want me to suffer.” he says.</p><p>“Yes…” It drawls. “And you will.”</p><p>“But I won’t.” He can’t stop the jubilant smile that forms on his face. “I won’t suffer because I’m happy.”</p><p>It scowls, Meg’s face twisting in confusion. “But you don’t have Dean.”</p><p>“And I never would have.” He states. “But I got the chance to tell him - what he means to me, that he’s worth something, everything. I got to tell him I love him. And he got to hear me… really hear me. So yes, I’m incredibly, undeniably <em> happy </em>.”</p><p>Castiel takes a breath. “But if you let me go… I can stop this.”</p><p>“How?” It demands.</p><p>“Chuck is the one making all the ruckus, humans are quiet. When we defeat him… you can rest.”</p><p>“And in the mean time?”</p><p>Castiel grins now. “You have Billie. She’s the one who sent Jack here.” And tried to murder Dean. Castiel delights in her torment.</p><p>The Empty frowns, but he can tell it’s decision has been made…</p><p>…</p><p>It’s been hours. But Sam is content to sit by Dean's side until he can find the will to move again.</p><p>Dean knows he’s dealing with his own emotions regarding Eileen. He knows how much Sam cared, hell, he pushed his brother to try… and look where that got him.</p><p>Jack’s horrified scream has them both jumping to their feet.</p><p>On autopilot, Dean follows Sam out into the main area. He belatedly spots his bottle of Jack and makes a mental note that when they kill whatever this is, he’s going to drown himself in it.</p><p>But when Dean sees who Jack has in a deadlock, he almost faints.</p><p>
  <em> Cass. </em>
</p><p>His tongue is still unresponsive, he can hardly manage a croak of surprise.</p><p>His head is swimming as Jack and Sam embrace him. His feet are rooted in place and all he can do is stare longingly.</p><p>When Cass breaks free of their embrace, his eyes land on Dean and they dim.</p><p>“Dean.” he breathes, voice incredibly soft.</p><p>He approaches Dean like a wounded animal, which, yeah, he basically is and gives him the same chummy smile he had before being dragged away.</p><p>“I did it to save you.” Cass whispers.</p><p>“I didn’t deserve it.”</p><p>Cass smiles. “You don’t think you deserve to be saved…”</p><p>Dean swallows.</p><p>“I think,” Cass begins. “That I just proved you wrong.”</p><p>Dean’s breaths come faster. Because Cass <em> had </em> proved him wrong - and shattered every conception he had about himself in the process. His heart swells with emotion and his tongue twitches as it comes back to life.</p><p>This is it.</p><p>No more holding back.</p><p>“You were wrong too.” His voice sounds wrecked but he doesn’t care. Losing Cass like that <em> had </em> wrecked him. There’s no point trying to hide it.</p><p>Cass tilts his head in confusion.</p><p>“You - you said…” Dean clears his throat, aware that they have an audience. That Sam and Jack are standing with there, hanging off his every word. But he doesn’t care about that… because this is Cass. Cass who deserves the world, but at the very least deserves to know the truth.</p><p>“You said the one thing you want is something you can’t have.”</p><p>Cass’ eyes widen. “Dean.” He breathes, almost reverently.</p><p>“You had me all along.”</p><p>Cass takes a step forward. “Dean. Don’t - don’t say this to-”</p><p>“I’m not saying it because I feel I have to.” He assures. He’s saying it because those hours when he thought Cass died without hearing it was worse than all his years in hell. “I’m saying it because I want to… need to.”</p><p>A sheen of tears fills Cass’ eyes.</p><p>“I love you.” Dean says. “And loving you is what makes me happy.”</p><p>Cass’ arms enfold him, the angel’s chin digging into his shoulder and his arms cutting off Dean’s oxygen. His own arms squeeze back tightly, reassuring himself that this is real. That this is something he can have.</p><p>Dean’s skin is thrumming when they break apart, his nerves frayed from everything that happened over the past few hours. But when his eyes drop to Cass’ lips, he doesn’t have to play it off.</p><p>Finally, he can do what he’s only ever dreamed of… Dean leans in and cups Cass’ face, gently pressing their lips together. And despite not knowing how Cass got back, or what they’re going to do about Chuck, Dean is stupidly happy.</p><p>Because Cass was right… there’s happiness in just being. And being with Cass… that’s enough.</p>
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